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Sweet Virginia the rollingstones

came on just as I had to get off the PATH train and stop reading about Virginia in a dog-eared book the girl lent me.

Mere Coincidence?
Something More???

Further details on Page 6 of the upcoming edition of "Ultimate News" with the role of Richard Johnson played by The Wall.

(a video of a performance of a song which I saw in person when I was 14 sheds light on this post without shedding any light on this post and brings back a memory I had forgotten I had.)

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the food tells the tale best:

1 cup of hand-delivered coffee
1 chicken, salsa, plantain, sour cream, cheese burrito
.5 apple
.5 beer
1 peanut butter cookie
1 peanut butter cookie
1 cup coffee
1 black bean, salsa, cheese, avocado, spinach wrap
.5 peanut butter cookie

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Another Wasted Hedberg Reference

At Work Today:

"I like vending machines because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar in a store, sometimes I will drop it so it will reach its maximum flavor potential."

perhaps I should have said

"I like Hedberg references because he is funnier than I am. If I think of something clever on my own, sometimes I will reference him so I will reach my maximum humor potential."

Yup. Conversation successfully Jerk-Stored.

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What would I experience if I never pressed

the up or down button outside of an elevator
and just waited until it arrived on my floor?

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moment of weakness -> moment of strength

"don't think of your body

as a broken thing."

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If I had to chose immediately for me at this moment:

Miles Davis/Gil Evans, Sketches of Spain
Talking Heads, Speaking in Tongues
Bob Dylan, Highway 61 Revisited
Amy Winehouse, Back in Black
k-os, atlantis: hymns for disco
Kings of Leon, Because of the Times
Blu & Exile, Below the Heavens
Velvet Underground, Loaded
Rolling Stones, Exile on Main Street
Allman Brothers, Live at Fillmore East

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junior mints:

"the perfect after-

toothpaste mint."

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just remember

to get a lot

you've got to give a lot

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in case you didn't know

roy orbison

is the balls

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Hawaii Eleven

The 5:15 from PHX to EWR has a phenomenal sunset view. PHENOMENAL.

Bright Bright Red. Fiery. To orange to a light light yellow to a light purple to a light blue to a deeper and deeper blue until the night sky overcomes. As you follow the horizon out to the right, the colors go from bright to pastel to night. More greens. More dark clouds. Round, light red, dark clouds, faded yellow. Green. light blue darker blue... overcome by night.

Unreal. And this is a part of MY life? How can I possibly be so lucky? Hold on, the sky is on fire behind me again... one last gasp before the long night.

I bet the ride in the other direction is pretty spectacular too... the never-ending sunset. Chase it down...

The green slowly creeps in. The colors are softer... the lines are less-defined. The sky changes texture slowly in the evening. Little reflections off of the tail wing let me know it is real. The actual wing cuts the sky well... in front of it, there is no color. Just night. Not black yet, but such a deep stormy dark blue that it might well arrive near black soon.

I suppose the rainbow doesn't just come in rainflavors. It also come sin, trout, crayon, sunset, shell, skittle and more.

Perhaps that search for color is part of what drives us. It is in the food we eat, the things we adorn ourselves with, the places we find beauty, and more. There is something life-affirming about the range of colors. It is as though, the appreciation of color, or managing to step outside of what information the color conveys as and experience the color as/for itself. Detach actual meaning and import our own mental meaning into the picture.

Color could, in a sense, be what makes us human.

Perhaps more accurately, the notion of beauty may well be what makes us human. Everything that we appreciate more than "animals" has to do with beauty in some sense. Beauty experienced through the 5 senses. In each, you can think of something beautiful. Take touch:

The skin of someone who loves you, the texture of different foods, the texture of clothes, your love's hair. Anything... Beautiful texture. We eat foods that have varying textures over foods that are monotexturomatical.

Beauty is a noble goal. Seek it out. Embrace it, live your life with it.

(hawaii ten)

on hawaii 2008, there is:

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Hungry, but not too.

Drinks with luck.
Smile... Aw Shucks.
Get the next one?
Linked for warmth.
Get out of this cold.
Spurn this wind.
Smooth curvilinears.
Do you have a flag?
Out(side) of time.
List your herbs.
I forgot again!

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...Are extensions of your personality.

Some are exaggerations of parts of you while others have characteristics you aspire to have someday. Some do the same things as you or like the same things as you. Some are reminders from a previous life, both positive and negative. All related, and all treasured.

No matter who they are or what you think of them (or them of you!), they tell your story for you to anyone who will listen.

Friends in common doubly so.

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Hawaii Ten

One day I'll find her.

She will be radiant and beautiful. Easy and free. Life's a breeze to her somehow, someway. Deep and contemplative. A vision of beauty in and out. Unsurpassed in her compassion. She will be my lady. I will be her man. We'll have our love of life together and smile constantly in that ever so slight way. And I won't be able to stop myself. Not that I would want to.


Man. I tell you. I see her smile in my dreams. It comes so easily, so readily.


At the drop of a hat. At a wink. At a sunset or a sunrise or a breakfast. I love her smile. She makes me so happy, and I don't even know her yet. I love her forever and will always. Perhaps she's just the place I want to be. One day I'll already be there. Loving that moment. Living it it with someone else. Lost in time, withinwithout time. Extended that joy forever. A gentle touch here and there. A Sweetcaress. Lovingly embrace.


I suppose I'll have to break it to her that This is the Place (Naive Melody) might well be one of the greatest love songs ever written. The way he pours himself into the music. The heartfelt whoknowswhat. Singingspiredmusic.


My girl is there. The girl who will love me for me. Not overbearing, but not weak-willed. Not dominating, but not subjugating. She's the one I run to, if you must know. I just haven't seen her in such a damn long time that I can't figure out to where I'm supposed to run. I never had the map, I just played it by ear. And eye. But now? I can't find the trail any longer. It'll just be a little while, I'm sure it'll come back to me. You can't forget home.


That shared feeling of safety. Shared. Together. Joyfully. Truly loving every moment we have together instead of just sharing those moments.


I don't know quite what she looks like, but I know she smiles at me as I fall asleep. I know she's someone who makes sure that I'm okay as she cares for me the way that I care for her... She's gentle but not overprotective or worried. She's the person I always come to for advice, and she never fears giving it to me whether I heed it or not. She trusts my judgement like I trust her advice. Always. No matter whether I take it or not, no matter whether she agrees or not. We make our own choices, but we always take each other's counsel.


She will be gentle and loving. She will be competitive and full of smiles.


She will love intellectual pursuit as well as physical. It'll be a fight sometimes, but a loving fight. A Loving kind of argument. A debate.


I'm not looking for a person to spend weeks with. Nor months. Nor years. I'm looking forever. I don't want the short term. I want the long-term love. I will love whomever I love, but what I truly seek is the long-term. Searching for the everlasting afterglow. The forever-knowing you're home.


I know she is out there for me, I know I will find her one day. Until that day, I'll continue to love my life and keep on keepin' on, in the parlance of [someone else's] times. Because one day when I lock my eyes to hers, something will pass between us and we two will know what comes next. In the interim,


I don't know what comes next, but I know what comes eventually, We'll find we.


Every day without her is just a buildup to the time when I finally find her again. Not the shadows of her, or the parts of her that I've seen in other women that I've shared time and space. But the full version. The person I'm looking for and I need to find. It could take a long long time, but I know it'll be worth it.


She'll be attractive as all get-out. She'll be my lady. My woman. I'll be her man. I'll be just me, but that'll be all I need to be. She'll be just her and radiate her light near the light I hope I can return to her in kind.


That's the mantra. Never for Money, Always for Love. Not just in my life with her, but in my life and her life on our own. That'll make it all work so very well. We'll be living our lives for love and loving the lives that we live in love.


I'll be worth her love and she'll be worth mine. It will be like the ourobouros I suppose. The love that feeds upon itself in a neverending circle.


And I'll do the same for you, love.


-i love you. it won't be long 'til we meet again for the first time-

(hawaii nine)
(hawaii eleven)

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Hawaii Nine

Homeward Bound.

Well, it is time now to be heading on. The trip from Hilo to Honolulu was what it was. Trash and I got pretty drunk on some white strolling around Hilo and then some red in the airport parking lot. First flight was alright, second flight was delayed from HNL to PHX. booo. Leaving at 2am instead of 11:something pm is not a good time.

I did have to chance to talk to a fella from Phoenix who is about to go on his Mormom mission for 2 years. Talked about basketball, baseball, religion, traveling, everything. It was a good time, and he's pretty clearly a good guy. I hope his path leads him where he needs to go. It probably will, but one never can tell.

As we got on the flight, I was just thinking about sleeping some of the wine off. Which I did. Then I woke up and starting getting back to thinking again.

The journey I've been on, and the changes that I've started... will they stay with me? Will they stick? Can I maintain the new me in my life going forward? Can I stay chill and calm and okay with life? Can I stay happy with the choices no matter what they are? Can I do this?

I had better. This is not the new vacation-dusty. This is the new dusty. I've got to be a better man tomorrow than I was today. I've got to stay as good and then work from there. There are so many opportunities to do the right thing. Every day in every way. Can I always make the good choice? Be the good man? Externally at least, and then on my way to internally as soon as I can.

I want to be that person. I can be that person. I will be that person. Just as I will eventually be living in Hawaii. 13 years. Keep the nose to the grindstone. Now you've got a real goal. Time to man up and follow your fucking dreams.

Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'.

The way to happiness. That is the path that I must follow. I must.

(hawaii eight)

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push push.

Get through the day.

Avoid daydreams and falling asleep in the conference room, reservation or not. Else? “bad example.” Stock Phrasing. Be original in your regurgitation at least? Look out the window. Not too long! Sleep on my tail. Friend of the devil is a friend of mine.

Maintain, you bastard! You’ve got to get out of this gig alive or no one will tell the beautiful tale.

Be responsive with customers. Be coherent with coworkers. Be Be Be.

Push push. Rush rush. Just wasting time before I can get back to living my life.

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Hawaii Seven

Saturday, Breakfast, Hilo.

Some crazy hotel breakfast of omelet with sausage bacon and ham in it. The Paniolo (Hawaiian Cowboy) apparently. That was after packing the car up this morning. Well, at least I packed my stuff up and organized a little bit for everyone else. Cleaned it out, organized, and left some clothes outside to dry.

Must be about 7:30 now, and I've done all of that, and watched the sunrise from a short walk away on a an old stone wall. Not as singularly spectacular as all of the rest thus far this week, but it was very solid. An everyday sunrise. A working man's sunrise. I like it, afterall, a working-class hero is something to be.

The life here is such a trip. All of the time.

There is a split between the locals. A Friendly split, for the most part, but a split nonetheless. The Hawaiians are here smiling and loving their heritage while shoehorned into service of the white tourist. The white men here are on permanent vacation and are treated accordingly. It is almost a long term contract of some kind. A play in a thousand acts. Running themes and characters that stretch not over lifespans, but over hundreds of years. Maybe millenia. The sweetness and happiness of the Hawaiians is magnified for the customer. Yes, they really are that nice, but not all of the time, you know?

How could they not be nice, they're in paradise.

The beauty here is remarkable. The land, the sea, the sky, the everything. Waterfalls, cliffs, madness. The people are beautiful too. They smile broadly back at you when you smile at them. It is like the whole island smiles back at you through her. Or him.

And the hula is a beautiful beautiful dance. Multilayered and expressed rhythms topped with a great great smile. That joy comes through in every motion. It is what I search for in sports, in music, in writing, in everything. That's what I'm after.

Seek it. When you find it, love it. It's what caused me to sleep under the stars in Volcano National Park. It is what caused me to carve up that road on the way to the sunset. It is what propels me at the moments I'm weak on the field. Push push, love love, joy joy. Competition, challenges. Not about domination, it is about celebration.

A great lesson on this trip was that if you're going to bother doing something, take the time to do it correctly. Do it with The Way. Unhurried, with attention to detail. Focus your mind on the task at hand and get lost in perfecting it. Show no shame in not knowing how because you're honestly working to know not-knowing so that you may know knowing.

This manifested itself is so many things over the course of the trip. I was thankful for the moments that I had alone to think through something and then do it the way that made sense to me. No hurried fray to jump into, nothing pushing me along save for me, and the pursuit of The Way in small things.

Do what you can, not what you can't. At the point when you don't know what to do, imagine what someone who would know what to do would do, and do that. Let your mind lead you through life in fits and starts. Or on a smooth ride. Don't hesitate to follow what moves you. If you do, you're missing your chance. Constantly act the way that you would if you were the only one watching you. Be true and level-headed in your self-judgment and you will find The Way.

I'm truly remembering how to love every moment of my life. It isn't as though I had forgotten, it is as though my vision was clouded for some time, and that now I'm able to see the path again. I can't remember ever having seen the path before, but it is constantly familiar. It corrects me and lets me know when I've strayed. Gently at first, and then with more force. If you aren't paying attention, you will certainly miss it.

Even if you don't know it is there, you'll be able to see people acting in their own Way. Those who find their Way have good fortune, those who have not or get lost from the way, have bad fortune. It is as though you are made for a particular type of journey and when you stray from it, your body and mind go, but not willingly.

Sure, in a way you can make yourself into anything you please, but in making yourself into what you're supposed to be, honestly, and with joy, you will be happiest with your journey and your destination.

Recognize that things change with time. In fact, change is time. Just make that change positive, and you will be well on your way to happiness. Focus on incremental improvement in everything. Self-evaluate without being critical. Self-celebrate without self-glorifying.

There is joy in existence and change... if you find it, you will recognize it. You will feel like you've finally found the path that you hadn't quite realized you'd been searching for through your whole life. Utterly strange, yet totally familiar. That is the feel of The Way.
Take joy in what you do well and love the work that you put in. That is The Way.

(hawaii six)
(hawaii eight)

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Hawaii Six

Pu'u Ohale.

Black Sand Beaches.
Green Sand Beach.

Trail Running along the coast of Hawaii, discovering shelters and campsiites as I go. The sand at the green sand beach was the best I've ever felt. The rejuvenation of the brief swim after sprinting and climbing of the day was phenomenal. Would be a great bodysurfing beach at the right tide.

Moments of peace and beauty surround and echo resoundingly. It is something pure to search for. Perhaps I monkey with it by writing so much down, but the telling of the tale is part of the joy for me, so I tell the tale.

Randall, Queen of the Hole Divers, went off of the highest jump the old stoner at the beach had seen. Old wooden ladder remains built by people jumping off of these cliffs. At some point, I was sure to get in when no one was looking. Make choices as if you are the only one to answer to. Live your life for yourself to be the judge of. Strive to be better. 13 years and I move here. I'll have to.

I woke up this morning on a rock in Volcano national park. I had a sleeping bag, a pad, some macadamia nuts, and that's about it. Oh yeah, a patagonia fleece from ultimate, some boardshorts. Well, after the phenomenal night's sleep (really, the absolute best I've had in Hawaii... out under the stars and the near full moon... not coughing). Just stare at beauty until sleep comes. When sleep leaves, stare back up into beauty. Perfect temperature.

Take off a shirt-layer as the sun starts to rise. Off into the lava flow... Who poured all these rocks here? This is wild. And then a steel sign off in the distance to focus on. Get to it. Why is it there? an investigation of purpose. Mull on that for the walk there. Nice rock climbs. Scampers, really. See snowcaps and observatories in the background as the massive mountain lights up from the top down. With the moon in the background. Of course.

A Geological survey marker, cool!

Purpose revealed. and now to follow the painted arrows out...

The evening before was a top-three drive of my life. One-lane sunset run to beat the sun. To a fantastic destination. 15 mph road traveled at ~40 mph consistently. Huggggggg those curves. Trust the road designer and you will be rewarded. Eyes open though... Lava had washed some away here and there! Pedal down, hard corner, back again, and now the slow curve reward of the view that the passengers had been enjoying the whole time. Unreal.

I can't begin to tell you what's happening to me on this island, but I feel home. I feel like I'm with people I want to be friendly with, in a place that has 90% of the things I could ever wish for. I will be here. 13 years at the longest. 13 years and I'm here. in Paradise. Living easy. Loving life. Growing coffee. Brewing beer. Working, Writing. That's your goal son, go for it. Dive Dive Dive.

Like you are when no one is looking.

(hawaii five)
(hawaii seven)

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Hawaii Five

Today involved so much...

waking up on the beach.
early am solo drive up to waimea.
akaka falls.
stoned reading about go stones while sitting on stones listening to the stones.
watching the waves crash into the stones under the overpass.
watching the sunset from mauna kea.
watching the eclipse from mauna kea... at the same time.

driving down mauna kea and having the sunset, instead of going away, just change phase.

i swear i was on the damn moon. landscapes like that don't exist on earth.

i want to do it again today. and tomorrow although i would love to do a little less milling about and more beaching. beeeeeeach.


(hawaii four)
(hawaii six)

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"He's just this guy, you know?"